living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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