Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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