my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
