My nipple is on Facebook.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
