he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Congratulations! We have a period
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