So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
