I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
