I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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