So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Dignity is for republicans.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
