Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
