Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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