ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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