these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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