I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
