Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
