I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
