Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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