why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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