If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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