You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
