I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
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