There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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