It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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