If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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