Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It's no shave November. This is our time.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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