sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
