oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
