My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
