when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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