I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
