hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
