Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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