He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
