you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
