Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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