I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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