You're my little dorito
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
