yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
