I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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