do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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