This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
