I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
