Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
