Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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