I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
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