remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
