don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
