We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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