If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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