Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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