Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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