She is in my trunk
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
and she was petting her beer can
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
