she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
