How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
last night I used snow as a chaser
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
